I was downstate visiting my in-laws over Labor Day, and I was talking to someone who’s been to the U.P., liked it, and has talked about moving up here. He wondered if that simple act would make him a Yooper.
I had to explain to him that, no, just moving up here does not make one a Yooper. Then as a joke, he wondered if maybe there was a test he could take, much like a new American citizen has to pass.
And that got me thinking. What if there were a Yooper citizenship test? What kind of questions would be on it? Well, maybe questions like these–
Name the two things you do with an outhouse. And I’ll give you the answer to this one. You use it and you race it.
Next?
How many counties are there in the UP, and which one has all the weird people?
Another possible question?
How long is the Seney Stretch, and just how many motor homes will you have to try & pass because they’re driving 10 miles an hour under the speed limit?
Or, of these three, name the one that actually happens in the UP: surfing, finding Sasquatch, or correctly spelling Tahquamenon?
Which one is Steve, and which is Tom?
What is cudighi– a tropical disease, a sausage, or an old mining town in the Copper Country?
And a Yooper citizenship test might include any or all of these–
Who do you call when you lose the key to the Soo Locks?
Where is the fungus, and why is it humongous?
Is the Mystery Spot actually that mysterious?
Why is there a Christmas, but not an Easter?
And where exactly is the “R” in “Ishpeming?”
Now, for the final exam, we need a three part question. And to pass, you have to get all three parts correct. Those three?
What is this, how do you correctly pronounce it, and what should you never ever put on it?
Now, I know that answering all those questions correctly won’t make someone a Yooper, but you know what? Getting even two or three of them right could be the first step to finding out exactly why this place and the people who live here are so unique.
I’m Jim Koski, and that’s another slice of “Life in the 906.”
